The Many Wives of Albus Dumbledore
by UglyFingers
Summary: COMPLETE. One Shot. In an AU where Voldemort was defeated with a stunning zero casualties, a celebratory party was held. The Dark Lord has fallen but Albus Dumbledore was not out of the woods just yet.


A/N:

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. If I did, this crappy piece of shit that you're about to read wouldn't exist.

This is a little something that popped into my head. Heavily AU where the entire cast survives the war with Voldemort. Hope it isn't too bad. Word of warning though, it is rated M for a reason. May offend some people so sorry about that.

One Shot: "The Many Wives of Albus Dumbledore"

Albus Dumbledore groaned as he got out of bed, rubbing his still aching head. He tried to remember what happened the night before without much success. The hard pounding of a hammer seemed to strike his temples as he searched his hazy memories. After many fruitless attempts, he finally gave up and laid back down, only to find a bottle of Firewhiskey had rolled onto the area where his back should have hit the bed.

He snapped back into a sitting position with a yelp of pain as he used his other hand to rub his bare back while using the other to massage his head.

"Hic... oh god... oh god... no... no..."

Albus turned sharply to the side. His jaw dropped as he found he wasn't alone in the bed. A naked, horrified looking deputy headmistress stared back at him, also clutching her head where there was no doubt, a terrible headache was forming.

"Albus... care to tell me just what in Merlin I'm doing in your bed?"

Dumbledore only shook his head. "I would like to know the answer to that as well, Minerva."

"Y—you can't remember?!"

"I'm afraid to say I can't. Can you?"

McGonagall shook her head, inciting another wave of pain to her head as she did so.

"We we're probably drunk... don't worry about it. It's not everyday we can party like that to celebrate the end of the Dark Lord."

"Aye, you're right. We must thank Harry and his friends once again for ending this without any casualties."

"Surely, giving him half of your family's fortune should be enough."

Dumbledore chuckled. "It's a small price to pay for the greater good."

An awkward silence formed between them, broken only by the soft snores of the portraits that hung on the wall. After a good five minutes of silence McGonagall's eyes began to tear up.

"Oh what am I going to do Albus?! It was my first time!"

Dumbledore choked and spat out his morning swig of Firewhiskey. He stared at the bottle of Firewhiskey in his hand and back to McGonagall in horror.

"I—it was my first time too."

===Break===

They went their separate ways after agreeing to forget that fateful night ever happened. Dumbledore cursed himself under his breath for being careless and not putting a charm on himself in order not to get drunk. Victory tended to catch people off their guard, allowing even one as great as himself to be pulled into the ecstasy of losing one's mind in the joys of the party.

A knock on his office door jolted him out of his thoughts as he said, "Enter."

"Ah, good morning, Severus. How are the repairs of the east wing coming along?"

"Almost done. We should be able to resume classes tomorrow." The greasy-haired man with the hooked nose answered.

"Good, good." Dumbledore nodded appreciatively. "Though I would have appreciated it more if Harry did not use an entire section of the school in his plans to destroy the Dark Lord."

"The brat _was_ always a show off." Snape's lips curled in disdain.

Dumbledore chuckled and popped another lemon drop into his mouth, savoring the sweet sour sensations that attacked his tongue. He frowned as he remembered another pressing matter that he was hoping the potions master can shed some light on.

"Severus... about last night... you were there at the party right? Do you remember exactly what happened?"

Snape's face darkened. "If possible, I'd rather _not _be reminded of those rather embarrassing events. It disgusts me that the person I entrusted my life to, the person who gave me a second chance, the leader of the light, could act in such a shameful manner."

And with a swish of his robes, Snape left the office, leaving Dumbledore more confused than ever.

===Hogsmeade===

Throughout the rest of the week, Dumbledore had been getting strange looks from the rest of the staff. McGonagall wouldn't even look him in the eye anymore and Snape seemed to avoid him whenever possible. The old man's nerves were getting frayed with each passing day as his paranoia took on a new edge. Every small whispers in the corners of the school by the portraits, ghosts, students, staff, and even owls seemed to gossip about him. He had even resorted to downing lemon drops like pills to ease his mind. The drug/candy seemed to work efficiently enough to his surprise.

He knew he should really quit it with the Firewhiskey but he really needed an outlet. It was because of this that he decided to have a small drink at The Three Broomsticks.

"This is a surprise. Wouldn't have thought I'd be seeing you back here after that night, Albus." Madam Rosmerta said with clear amusement in her voice as she prepared several bottles of liquor.

"Would have helped if I actually remembered what happened that night, my dear." Dumbledore shook his head. "My reputation seemed to have taken a turn for the worse after the Dark Lord's defeat and I have no clue as to how it happened."

Rosmerta gaped at him. "You mean you don't remember?!"

"No, I don't and I would really appreciate an explanation."

"How could you soil an such an innocent woman and forget all about it as if nothing happened?! Did you know she's actually came in here crying because of you and you still had the gall to call yourself a man?!" She banged her fist on the counter, startling the other customers. All eyes turned to Dumbledore. They began to whisper amongst themselves, no doubt about how much of an asshole the old man was.

Dumbledore shifted in his seat as he tried to get Rosmerta to lower her voice. "I can assure you that I am ashamed of all my actions that night and the liquor has made me forget myself. Were it not for the fact that I was unashamedly drunk, I would have behaved more responsibly."

"That still doesn't change that fact that you're a very despicable man, Albus. How could you just leave her in the bathroom after doing all that to her?! She was still on the floor crying when we found her!"

Dumbledore grew confused. "I thought she followed me all the way to my bed?"

"What are you talking about?"

"I found her in my bed the next morning and we both agreed to forget the matter ever happened—"

"Don't lie to me, Albus! She's been crying while she drunk herself to death the past few days! She's even having trouble with her metamorphmagus! She's been stressing herself out on how to break it to Remus—"

"Wait a sec... You're talking about Tonks?"

"Who else would I be talking about, you dirty old man?"

"B—but I thought it was with Minerva that I..." Dumbledore trailed off as Rosmerta's eyes nearly bulged out of their sockets.

"Oh. My. God." Her horrified expression told him all he needed to know.

"Oh dear..." Dumbledore banged his head on the counter. No amount of Firewhiskey could get him to forget about all this.

===Hogwarts===

_Wait a minute... so I did both Minerva _and_ Tonks that night? What in Merlin is wrong with me?_

Dumbledore paced in his office, his thoughts in disarray. The pensieve lay on his desk, full of swirling thoughts and memories. He's tried extracting his memories from 'that night' but everything was too blurry to be of any help due to his unclear state of mind.

A knock on his window signaled the arrival of the his subscription to the _Daily Prophet._ The newspaper's reputation had gone up ever since the Dark Lord's demise as it mostly stated facts nowadays, much to he joys of the readers.

Albus face grew pale as he read the front page article.

**Albus Dumbledore: Emissary of Light or Rapist of Tiny Children?**

_On the night of March 22, XXXX, a huge party was well under way in The Three Broomsticks to_

_celebrate the downfall of Lord Voldemort, or as many call him now, Old Voldy, HHordy Tom, Snakey,_

_or more simply, 'that fucker'. It was during this party that the victim was sexually assaulted by none_

_other than Albus Dumbledore himself. Many eyewitnesses claim that the young boy, a first year whose_

_name we will keep anonymous, was taken to the bathroom by the suspect and came out clutching his_

_backside with tears in his eyes. No one paid it any mind as all were overjoyed by 'that fucker's' demise_

_by the hands of our hero, Harry Potter. It was only yesterday that the boy had gained the courage to_

_come forward and report this horrible mistreatment of the student..._

Long, hard knocks came from his office's door, jolting him out of his horrified stupor. He barely muttered "Enter" when his door crashed inwards and several battle hardened aurors led by Mad-Eye Moody trooped in, holding a copy of the_ Daily Prophet_ in his gnarled hands.

"You really 'ad us fooled there, Albus." Moody growled as both his eyes, real and electrical blue, bore into Dumbledore. "To think you were hiding such a fetish all this time. Not even constant vigilance could have prepared me for that. Take him away, boys."

Dumbledore could have resisted the arrest but the recent events had his mind reeling in disbelief. He barely noticed as his wand was taken away and magicked handcuffs were placed on his wrists.

===Ministry of Magic===

"As you have all probably read in today's paper, this man, Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore has committed sexual assault on a young boy. This trial shall determine suitable punishment for this horrific act against a minor." Amelia Bones began, her stern gaze fixed on the trembling old man seated before the Wizengamot. Muttered conversations swept the room and many accusing fingers pointed at Dumbledore, clearly in favor of him receiving the most painful punishment the world has to offer.

Bones stood up and addressed Dumbledore. "What do you have to say for yourself, 'rapist of tiny children'?"

Dumbledore winced at the name and tried to defend himself. "I swear on my magic, I—"

"Do not remember the events of that night due to intoxication?" Bones finished for him with a disgusted look on her face.

"Well, yes but—"

"But nothing, Dumbledore!" She turned towards the other members. "All in favor of sending this rotten man to Azkaban where he could no longer molest young children?"

All members raised their hands and Dumbledore was hauled away once more.

===Azkaban Wzarding Prison===

Dumbledore stared blankly at the cold, gray walls the encircled him. What did he do to deserve this? He had devoted his life fighting for the light and this is the thank you he gets?

He sighed as another mouse joined the already teeming group that shared in the gruel that lay before him. In the span of just one week, he had lost everything. His wand, half his fortune, his reputation, and even his phoenix had left him. Well, at least the dementors didn't haunt the prison anymore. But still, his life was over.

"You don't look too happy, headmaster." A serene voice drifted into his cell.

He looked up to find the person he most did not expect to find in the grim prison. Her dirty blonde hair fell almost to her waist. Multi colored spectrespecs covered her eyes as she peered into his cell.

"Ms. Lovegood... is that you?"

"No, headmaster. I'm merely a carbon copy of the entity you call as Luna Lovegood."

Dumbledore was confused for a second before he remembered he didn't normally understand the Lovegoods' eccentricity anyways.

"And what might such a young woman like you doing in this place?"

"And why shouldn't I be here? I'm the head warden after all."

"The... warden?" Dumbledore asked in disbelief.

"Yes. I've taken it upon myself to clean this nargle infested place of the creatures." She waved a hand to in the air around her, as if swatting invisible, flying creatures.

Dumbledore shook his head. He had seen enough craziness in the past few days alone so he should be immune to at least this level, but for some reason, he wasn't

"So, what are you in for?"

"There's no point... no one would believe me anyways."

"Try me."

Dumbledore laughed. "The whole world seems to think I raped a child."

Luna's eyes widened behind her spectrespecs. "You dirty old man!"

Dumbledore groaned. He had expected this sort of reaction but actually hearing it brought him greater despair.

Luna smiled softly. "I'm not heartless. I'll listen to your story. Nothing else to do anyways." She conjured a chair and sat on it, waiting for him to speak.

And so Dumbledore told his tale, starting from when he first found McGonagall on his bed to how he ended up in Azkaban. Luna had a thoughtful look on her face when he finished.

"So let me get this straight, you slept with numerous women and maybe even a child all in one night?"

"From what I've been told, yes."

"Not bad for someone your age. Do you have AIDS?"

Dumbledore face palmed. Can this girl really help him?

"Though, there are quite a few discrepancies in your story."

Dumbledore raised an eyebrow. "Oh? Do tell."

"You seem to have forgotten going to the restroom with Emmeline Vance, Arabella Figg, Molly Weasley, Sybill Trelawney, Professor Sprout, and... oh! I also saw you with Mundungus Fletcher! All at separate times of course." She added as an afterthought.

Dumbledore's already paling face from all the names mentioned went dead white at the mention of the last one. Did he just...? With Mundungus of all people?!

He held his head in his hands, wanting to disappear from reality. Luna seemed to be saying some comforting words to him but he didn't hear a word she said. His mind was blank.

"I know a way you can redeem yourself."

Dumbledore's head perked up. "H—huh?"

"You simply need to take responsibility for what you did."

"It's impossible... I'm in prison and..."

"I have special authority as head warden to release prisoners who I deem worthy of rejoining society."

"You can do that?" Dumbledore asked in awe.

"Yes, and there's nothing the Ministry of Magic can do about it."

"Thank god." Tears formed around the corners of Dumbledore's eyes as he looked at his savior.

"Not too fast. Do you promise to take responsibility for what you did?"

Dumbledore nodded his head vigorously. "Of course!"

"Okay. So what's your plan?"

"Er... it's too sudden... I don't have anything planned at the moment..."

Luna looked at him in disbelief. "Are you serious?! The solution should be obvious!"

Dumbledore raised an eyebrow in confusion.

"You just have to marry all of them!" Luna explained as if to a particularly dumb kid, waving her hands irritatedly.

"WHAT?!"

"And you have to keep your marriages' existence from the others' of course."

Dumbledore looked like a fish out of water with his jaw hanging open as his lips worked. Is this girl crazy? Wait... she is...

But still, Dumbledore could only nod his head. If he wanted to get out of prison and pay back for what he had done (even if he has no memory to it), then he would have to do just as this girl said.

===Break===

The marriages didn't go as planned of course. First of all, he had to find someone from the black market to bypass the polygamy laws of the wizarding nation. When he got that done, he had to find every single one of the women that Luna mentioned and apologized. The visits often ended in several slaps to the face and quite a few barely dodged killing curses from angry husbands.

It was when he finally got around to scheduling the marriage ceremonies that shit hit the fan.

"What is the meaning of this, Albus?" McGonagall said in a tone so cold it could freeze water.

The small mob of women surrounded him, their wands and other weaponry all aimed at him.

"T—that's..." Dumbledore stuttered. _How in the world did they all find each other? Did Luna tip me off? I swear, I'm gonna kill that girl!_

All he remembered were angry faces as he blacked out from the multiple spells that hit his fragile body.

===Break===

Dumbledore opened his eyes, barely aware that all the feeling in his arms were gone. He glanced up and saw himself hanging from a tree, bound by thick, heavy ropes. His swept his surroundings and he found himself in the middle of a corn field. He tried to apparate away but found he couldn't due to the ropes' magic. He groaned in despair when a familiar, serene voice spoke from his left.

"Quite harsh, weren't they?" Luna Lovegood commented, her gaze lazily giving him a quick look over.

Dumbledore filled with rage and tried to shout, but couldn't. His throat was parched dry. He held in his anger and waited for the girl to continue.

She produced a bowl out of nowhere and all his anger dissipated in an instant. The promise of water was just too good to pass up. Luna cut his ropes and he fell in an undignified heap on the ground. She helped him up with a smile and offered him the bowl of water.

"Th—thank..." Dumbledore started to say but Luna was already gone, disapparated from the looks of it.

Dumbledore couldn't care less. God knows just how long he was left out in the middle of nowhere with nothing to drink. His sole attention was focused on the water that she left him.

Dumbledore drank greedily, savoring every last drop. He fell on his back and reflected on the recent course of events. The sun was already high in the sky and he used the empty bowl to shield his eyes from it. To his surprise, there was a message written on the bottom.

Dumbledore lay there with a thunderstruck look on his face as he read.

_April 1, XXXX, Year of Freedom from the Dark Lord_

_To Professor Dumbledore,_

_We're sorry for all we have done to prepare you for this joyous occasion._

_We hoped we didn't go too far._

_Happy April Fool's_

—_Harry Potter and Wizarding Britain_

_P.S. I guess I did have too much fun getting back at you for all you've put me through _

_during my stay at Hogwarts. Let's just say we're even now. —Harry _

===Epilogue===

It had been nearly three months since Dumbledore refrained from taking any alcoholic beverages. Even butterbeer was no exception. His anger from the whole incident was explosive at best when he returned from the corn fields. His paranoia level became almost as bad as Mad-Eye Moody's. He was even seen carrying his own hip flask as he walked by, earning a few snickers from his collegues.

It was on this third month that he mustered enough courage to walk back into The Three Broomsticks and see how everyone was doing. Everyone seemed more polite than usual as they greeted him. He greeted back just as enthusiastically and took a seat in front. To his surprise, Mundungus Fletcher was already drinking.

"Hello there, Mundungus. How've you been?"

The man yelped and fell off his chair as he looked around wildly before his gaze centered in Dumbledore.

"O—oh... it's you, Albus..."

"Indeed it is. Now what's wrong with you?"

"E—err... nothing."

"It's been a while, Mundungus. Sit down and have a drink. It's all on me..."

"I ain't gonna fall for that one again Albus! My ass still aches from that night! Never again!" And with that, Mundungus Fletcher bolted from the place, leaving behind a horrified Albus Dumbledore.

"Madame Rosmerta, I'd like to have your strongest Firewhiskey please."

===Break===

A/N:

Whew. And there goes my first non crossover story and one shot.

Thank You very much for reading.


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